As I look back on my life, I realize that the majority of my “learning” did not happen during the 12-years of grade school. Nope. It happened in the last 13 years of marriage. Consider this: My wife has programmed-in specific keywords that trigger a subliminal response:
- “I’m thirsty” – Somehow, I find myself near the refrigerator putting ice in a cup. But, not just any cup. It’s a specific cup that only she likes drinking water out of. Can she drink out of another cup? Of course she can! I’ve seen it. But, with me getting THIS SPECIFIC CUP TYPE, proves that her teaching is working, as I put the pretty straw in the water. #TRAINED!
- “I’m cold” – I’m not exactly sure how this happens, but the last thing I remember, I was sitting on the couch. Now, however miraculous it was, I find myself flipping the switch to the overhead fan. And, did I….. yes, I believe I did. I’m pretty sure I walked all the way around the room, rather than a straight shot to the switch, to prevent the blocking of the TV for 2 seconds. #TRAINED!
Other things have happened that make me think this too. Such as:
- At night, I climb into bed, and I always make sure my mobile device that I’m looking at is muted or has headphones on. Sometimes, I forgot about the volume and something plays. For that 1.2 seconds of volume, I get the look of terror. However, other nights, I’ll be in bed quietly reading, while listing to the latest Oprah video or funny cat video from my wife’s phone. Why can’t I do that? I tried, but it just feels wrong. #TRAINED!
- I’ll wake up early in the morning. My wife can sleep in. I quietly move around the room. I close the door before turning on the bathroom light. I slowly pull the dresser drawer out. Other mornings, I get to sleep in, and lights get blared on, make-up canisters dropped in sink, dresser drawer closed hard enough to make sure it won’t automatically open again. Why can’t I do that? #TRAINED!
I’m not exactly sure how she did that, but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. Did women get pulled into a vocational class during high school to teach this ancient and secret art of Husband Transformation? And, lest we not forget, the ultimate behavior that all women are proud of. The toilet seat. Yes, the famous toilet seat that husbands are afraid to leave up, even for a prank, unless you want to be visited by the exorcist hyped up on triple espressos, speaking some language that probably doesn’t exist.
I know what you are saying right now. All wives are hypocrits. But, you would be wrong. You would be very wrong. Wives are not hypocrits. They are a needed and necessary part of……….. wait, why am I writing this?
Well, ladies…. finally….. there is a picture for you!! Thank you and good night! For some reason, I’m getting a feeling to sleep on the couch. Wait, my legs are moving. I don’t want to sleep on the couch. Why am I taking a pillow? Zzzzzzzz